what remains of nothing

g. was shorter than me. Actually, she still is. Who knows if she suffers. If, in some way, she wishes it were not so. That day, she looked down at me, trying to stay above me and cover me completely, to not let me find out what was on the other side, the one towards which, inevitably, I was destined to go. It had been a few hours since we had finished lunch. A succession of dishes, laughter, glances and sweaty hugs from a summer that’s now, gone. I saw them overlap in the hurry of an impromptu lunch, which ended up being crushed by the imminent arrival of a train that, soon, would leave, with or without me. It was September, but it could have been any other month. I told g. I was afraid. Then I cried. She was not surprised. She smiled as she comforted me. As if she had always known, but choose to stay silent. Because, if you don’t announce it, fear doesn’t exist. Some time later, I thought it had been a miracle. I never cry, I didn’t even back then. I never healed. At that moment, all the revenge of the wounded exiled vanished suddenly, leaving me exposed under the shadow of the building in which I had grown up. Then, a month later, it saw me return. It was not enough even the rise of the small figure of g., landing in her softness in my tired arms, to protect me from the impetuous, sad, melancholy that have been my twenty years of life. So, g. walked away... still looking at me. As we said goodbye, we decided to take a picture, a selfie. I hugged her, invading her winged shoulders with my chest. The thick beard that curled on my face ended up brushing her cheek, in an awkward attempt to leave a smile imprinted on that painful memory. I succeeded. Fortunately, I think. Who knows what would have happened. If she hadn’t been there, if I hadn’t cried, if I hadn’t smiled, right after, under the guise of the sunglasses that, from after that day, I don’t wear anymore, where I hid, hoping to disappear and end up elsewhere, anywhere else, where I could feel safe. Eventually, g. left and I ran home, aware that my bags weren’t ready yet. I left shortly after. I still have the train ticket. Maybe it’s still valid. To go back and write another story.