This Body, Too/Y Este Cuerpo Tambien

Today, at thirty-eight, the ten-year shelf life of my implants has passed. These expired breasts sit in me waiting for my next move, potentially leaking and posing a danger to my health. They often cause muscle cramps in my chest and sharp pain. I now face the decision to replace my implants with new ones or to return to my natural state. This bodily decision is loaded with a past that is always with me. It is at this impasse that This Body, Too begins (and ends?).

Even though I was being raised as a woman, by the time I was a senior in high school my body had yet to develop breasts or menstruate. Determined to understand the seemingly endless delay in my physical development, my mother and I sought medical advice. A chromosome analysis revealed that I was born with male chromosomes, XY46 (gonadal-dysgenesis). As I identified as a woman the endocrinologist suggested that I undergo estrogen and progesterone hormone treatment to spur breast growth and menstruation. A year later, my endocrinologist warned me of being at high risk for ovarian cancer. During Freshman spring break, I underwent what-was supposed to be an oophorectomy at Stony Brook University hospital.

I awoke to learn the doctor had expanded the procedure. The surgery revealed that my internal organs did not align with the textbook diagnosis. An oncologist and my endocrinologist concluded that my reproductive organs were never going to develop even with hormone treatment. Rather abruptly, as I opened my eyes from anesthesia, my endocrinologist informed me that they had removed my ovaries, my undeveloped uterus, my Fallopian tubes, my cervix and my appendix. And just as quickly he said, I would never be able to carry children. Alone and barely out of this induced coma, I let out a wail. After this surgery I questioned how I fit in as a woman.