I, ADONIS

Three years ago I decided that I needed to go to the gym. All my friends had big biceps and pectoral muscles. I felt like I didn’t fit in. They were the ‘real men’, I was something else. I had the idea that to look more- and feel more like a man, I needed to work out. After some time, I started to notice a change in my behavior. I felt bigger and tougher, but I also became more conscious of my body. Particularly of my imperfections. I constantly compared myself to the other men. They always looked bigger. I needed to check myself in the mirror once every half hour to see if my muscles were still there and I panicked when the sleeves of my T-shirt looked looser than the day before. The smallest differences in my body became the cause of my biggest insecurities. I stuffed myself with food. I wanted total control over my body but seemed to lose control over my mind. When I became aware that it was an obsession, I started to discuss it with other men in the gym. Clearly, I wasn’t the only one. That’s when I knew I needed to make a film about this subject.

During my research, I came to know that this obsession has a name: Bigorexia. ‘Bigorexia’, or also called the ‘Adonis complex’, is a disorder that can be compared to anorexia but then the other way around. It is most common with men. Bigorexia is an addiction to exercising, becoming bigger or more fit to an extent that it leads to unhealthy diets, over usage of supplements, and being extremely occupied with your body. For some men, it leads to the use of steroids, which can lead to side effects such as impotence or heart failure. In most cases, the disorder comes from other psychological problems, traumas, or insecurities that lead to a negative self-image. While bigorexia is an acknowledged disorder, to a lot of people it doesn’t really seem like a problem. Since most people associate working out with being healthy.

But ‘too much’ of something is never good. As is so for going to the gym. I have met a lot of men who were way more extreme than I ever was. They didn’t go out anymore, weren’t able to sustain relationships, and risked their lives by overusing or wrongly using steroids. What started out as a personal observation, became a screenplay for a film about an important social issue.

Just like women, men feel like they need to meet certain expectations too. We also look at the pictures on social media, at the models with their six-packs and wide shoulders. Even though gender equality seems to be so important, a lot of men still feel that they need to look tough and strong. We all deal with our insecurities differently. In the arena that I have found, men try to hide away their flaws behind a wall of muscles. They seek constant confirmation of their manliness. With ‘I, Adonis’, I want to show a glimpse of the world of fitness and provide a new perspective on male insecurities. Because what does ‘being a man’ mean? And what role do my muscles play in it?