COCOON

Every summer, I wear a heart monitor for one week. Every summer, I become a cyborg. It's almost always during a heatwave, and it's always an irritating and itchy week that reminds me of the fragility of life and the delicate balance we need to walk to maintain health. My mom has a severe heart condition (Non-Compaction Cardiomyopathy) and has a pacemaker and defibrillator. It might be genetic. My mom and I both have a gene mutation (a variable of unknown certainty). They don't know enough about it, and their information is always evolving. I'm in the gray zone, the in-between spot, with a slightly abnormal heart without a super definitive diagnosis, so they have been monitoring me since 2013 when I had some symptoms. My right ventricle is not as strong. It is possibly from my ASD repair (open heart surgery) from when I was 13, and my left ventricle is just shy of normal. My mom and I are connected by this thing that scares us but also makes us more resilient and more appreciative of the time we do have--always defying the odds.

You need tools to face ambiguity of any kind but especially uncertainty of one's health. COCOON is a reminder to self-soothe, especially when life becomes unmanageable. It is an attempt to feel comforted and safe in hopes of transformation and healing to rejuvenate and restore mind, body, and soul. And after a year of cocooning because of the pandemic, it's important to find the courage to re-emerge from that comfortable hidden place with the right kind of support and with the right speed.

COCOON is a couple of months in the making. It deals with themes of wellness, transformation, aging, acceptance, vulnerability, intuition, and women's health while exploring the life cycle of a Painted Lady Butterfly. During the spring, I conceived of the idea and then went through some health and life changes over the summer that made the themes even more meaningful and vital. I had an electrophysiological study to check for dangerous arrhythmias, and I had an Implantable Loop Recorder placed for more comprehensive monitoring.

I didn't realize it was butterfly season when I bought some caterpillars on a whim for inspiration. I soon learned about the Monarch Migration that happens in the fall in Cape May County as they make their way to Mexico in time for the Dia De Los Muertos celebration. Nature and my faith have always helped me through life's uncertainties.

Mental and physical health are so interconnected, almost inseparable. There are many different schools of thought about wellness. I especially like Judith Herman's views. She was interested in how we re-establish wellness after a trauma. She believes we re-establish wellness by allowing ourselves to feel a range of human experiences (rather than just the polarities of either numb or overwhelmedness that trauma often imposes on us). She believes that processing trauma without basing our entire recovery on achieving perfect forgiveness, revenge, or restitution requires us to be flexible and tolerant of limitations in ourselves and the environment. Part of dealing with trauma is the formation of a coherent narrative. Jean Baker Miller, founder of Relational Cultural Theory (formerly Feminist Relational Theory), noted five indicators of relational wellness: a sense of zest, clarity, self-worth, productivity, and a desire for more connection. I particularly like the "sense of zest."

I've been working on making my body my friend. The body goes through cycles. We are always in transition. We are always in flux. It is important to love and accept each stage.

This piece features costumes and magic inspired by Bjork, Isabella Rossellini, and Janine Antoni. It is also inspired by Michel Gondry's film "Mood Indigo." I dedicate COCOON to some resilient women in my life (my mom & my friend Renée) who have battled chronic illness and health issues, something I've struggled with myself. This is also for anyone who has faced their mortality earlier than they would have liked to. It is important to remember: You are unique, and it is your greatest strength.

Woven into this piece are snippets of archival footage: an old cassette tape from '71 and a voice recording and Meditation CD from 2010.

Check out my latest short film: COCOON!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tpwfPJmwVbk
View the COCOON photo series here: https://padlet.com/JElizaWall/COCOON