Bad Child

Bad Child is about the more intimate, less visible outcomes caused from enduring repeated childhood sexual abuse. It is about my own personal history, and I’ve combined poetic, experimental, and traditional techniques in an attempt to express that which is inherently unrepresentable: trauma.

On the one hand, the film remembers the past through a child’s eyes, and on the other, it has elements of a more traditional form with expert interviews that underscore the importance of parental support. The layers of images, sounds, and animation convey the complexity of living with trauma and work together to overstimulate the viewer. The constant music and dialogue create a sense of anxiety as it carries on with little reprieve, while the somewhat obscured speech as I address my parents mirrors my current relationship with them.

While conceptualizing this film, I was inspired by Jonathan Caouette’s Tarnation, Susan Hiller’s PSI GIRLS, and Gillian Wearing’s use of masks. Although I initially intended for the structure to be highly experimental, after my parents’ refusal to be interviewed for the film, I pivoted to more poetic approach. During the production phase, I decided to report the man who repeatedly abused me as a child. This made completing Bad Child more difficult as I was constantly emotionally drained from the process, especially after learning that the abuse was more extensive than I could recall. Although it isn’t completely clear in the film, there were numerous other isolated occasions of abuse which occurred between the ages of six and fourteen; after listening to the details over and over, I thought them too disturbing to include. Reviewing ten hours of interview footage of myself while editing was traumatizing and listening to my words repeatedly while trying to decide what was important, was very difficult. In addition to this, I was filming during a pandemic with a high-risk child. Where some interviews had to be moved due to illness, others were unable to be scheduled or rescheduled at all. To limit exposure, I built sets at home and completed all filming as a one-person camera crew, including my own interviews.

Although I encountered both personal and logistical challenges, I felt strongly about completing this film and submitting it to festivals. I sold off several of my old paintings to raise money for festival submissions with the goal of getting Bad Child in front of as many people as possible. I made every effort to create a film that told a story while also presenting critical information to caregivers of abused children. My relationship with my own parents is past the point of repair, but that doesn’t mean that other families can’t heal from abuse; and, ultimately, I hope my film helps with that healing.