bind. - a short film

I was born and raised a Filipino-American and Pacific Islander in Saipan. Those two terms meant complete opposites in a place that did not accept the former, which I especially felt growing up. Despite the injustices that drove my family's story, and us, out of the islands, I have finally come to understand the dichotomy I call home. My home, the place that glorifies and denies me in the same breath. My home, the place that built and broke my spirit. My home, a phrase I earned and will never speak lightly. This story recounts my first day of kindergarten - my introduction to American society, and the experiences that confronted my very existence given my parents' post-war, post-Marcos upbringing on what, to them, was foreign land.

As I write this, I realize that for the nth time in my life, I have nothing and nowhere to go. But as I view myself from my perspective just 10 years ago, I realize I am still very much in a place I’d only ever read about and dreamt of, never within arms' reach. As daughter to peasant farmer lineage on both sides, shunned in the only "home" I've ever known, I’ve often felt impostrous having touched the hallowed “mainland,” looking back at what I’d left behind. Wondering why I, the only one of my family and friends, was allowed to be here. In wanting the best for my people, so intent on giving back, I pushed myself to the point my heart literally had to be stopped. (Yes, literally in the correct grammatical sense.) By grace, I survived.

That emergency recovery process brought me on one of the most unexpected journeys back to my roots for the first time since I left at 17, some experiences for the very first time in my life. In those humbling moments, I came to realize the most important lesson of all: I was more than enough. And I carved my way here completely on my own.

As the saying goes,

“We are our ancestors’ wildest dreams.”

We are consistently in the throes of finding our place across the diaspora. This film holds just a little more space for us all. A simple love letter to Asian Pacific Islanders and FilAm kids like myself, it is also for any once-child that has ever had to make insurmountable sacrifice in hopes of a chance at a better future - and thus, for those who have ever struggled to feel they belong. As FilAm visual artist Derek Orbiso Dizon so aptly expressed depicting sea turtles washing up on shore -

"Where do the displaced return to?
..each other."

I chose the title “BIND” to represent the bittersweet merging of our fractured, branching identities; the rice glue that holds us all together; the strong ties of new friendships and the sticky troubles we face along this beautiful journey.

May you find lightness in learning the gravity of your own being.