Esto, que llevo dentro

SYNOPSIS:
Daniel Segura, a young painter and artist, struggled with mental health throughout his life, and his tragic passing became the focus of "Lo que no tiene nombre", a novel written by his mother, Piedad Bonnett, back in 2013. Without knowing Daniel personally, the filmmaker formed a deep, intimate relationship with his story, trying to understand his own battle with a rare, undiagnosed anxiety disorder.

The film carries a non-linear structure, led by the sound of the filmmaker’s voice and the improvisational nature of Latin Jazz drumming. Through visual metaphors found in street fixtures and desolate, natural landscapes around San Francisco, the filmmaker aims to represent feelings of anguish, disillusionment and terror upon a never-ending cycle of intrusive thoughts. Embracing a disruptive essayistic form, the film uses a collection of personal VHS archives and intermittent shots of the filmmaker’s body, to move across time and space. This intended malleable visual language aims to question ideas of remembrance, resilience and self-acceptance, culminating in a tribute to the filmmaker’s mother.

DIRECTOR'S STATEMENT:
It was not until 2020, when I traveled home to Colombia during the recent global pandemic, that I revisited the book while being hospitalized in a mental health facility for ten days. I never thought I would be making this film so soon after experiencing such an acute episode of mental fragility. Upon arriving back in the U.S., my country of residence for twelve years now, I began observing the world around me in a different way, fixing my attention on everyday objects, visual patterns formed in unusual light conditions, and finding solace in the expansiveness of nature. With a Bolex 16mm film camera, I decided to capture this state of mind and find a way to make sense of this new way of looking. The sound of improvised Jazz drumming mirrored the instability and repetitive nature of thoughts characteristic of obsessive-compulsive anxiety disorders. This intended malleable visual language aims to question ideas of remembrance, resilience and self-acceptance.

In the process of making the film, I discovered the nurturing effects of my mother’s voice, and her strength during my illness and recovery. Revisiting old VHS archives from my childhood, I found footage of my mother holding me in her arms, as well as isolated instances where my father focused on her hands. The film evolved into using Piedad Bonnett’s book as a starting point to explore my mental health disorder, tied to my relationship with my mother and our joint resilience in surviving darkness in our lives.

Mental illness accounts for 7% of the world’s disease burden and almost one fourth of total global disability. A recent study provided by The Ministry of Health and Social Protection of Colombia, acknowledges that a great number of people with mental disorders do not seek medical aid due to social stigma. It acts as a sociocultural barrier to accessing mental health services and prevents individuals with serious mental health disorders from receiving adequate care. Part of my impetus in making the film was to debunk my own stigma towards my illness, and build emotional strength to embrace and accept my body. Told in a fragmentary, associative manner, the film aims to represent the confusing, often isolating ways in which we often deal with and interpret our thoughts.