Last Looks

Where I came from is just a part of who I am. My parents decisions, circumstances, and social norms at the time determined my start off point. Their karma and family differences kept us in a place of unacceptance, rejection, and confusion. It wasn’t until I started looking at the patterns of my circumstances that I realised even though I never was told by my parents I was less than, the experiences with community, family, and teachers reinforced that feeling. Events reinforced that fact and actions cemented that into my reality. I took every opportunity and used it to the best of my ability. Even when doors closed in my face for reasons I cannot control, my gender, my ethnicity, and my sexual orientation; I just found another way and persisted. I turned my back on the trajectory of my life written by those who raised me and decided to fly with or without support.
So I’m going to start many years later after my educational career at Chapman University, two career changes, and my successful career as a Dept. Head Hairstylist for 706 Guild. 2018 Jan. 31st is the point where my perspective, desires, and soul changed forever. My younger sister was dying. She had been diagnosed with Lupus in her 20’s and when E. coly hit her system it overtook her body. With 5% kidney function, working full time as a middle school teacher, and enduring dialysis daily I decided to give her mine. It was a full year of being tested, poked, and prodded. Making sure I was healthy enough to endure the procedure while being a match in order to donate. So, Jan. 30th 2018 after wrapping out Will & Grace for the 1st reboot season, I headed to my destiny without even realizing it. Driving to my sisters with my dog in the passenger seat, I thought of it as just another day. Was thinking about the feature I was starting in April, going over everything pertaining to wrap in my head one more time, because I knew I would be out of commission for at least 6 weeks. The same neurotic mind game I do to make sure every I is dotted and T crossed. Woke up at 4am on the 31st and headed to Loma Linda Hospital. We took a pic in the parking lot B4 we went in. Something we always do to mark any event. My sister and her wife went to their room and I went to mine. Easy peasy. I was rolled into a large room surrounded by dying people. Everyone was extremely ill and the nurses and Dr.’s seemed like robots. Going through the motions. Seeing the peoples faces with gratitude when the nurse approached with a smile, and as soon as the nurses turned the smile left as quickly as an insincere hello. Now I’m a 100% healthy person, never been diagnosed with anything, never broke a bone in my body and I’m not a fan of pain. I’m watching this live action in complete dismay. Sitting up cross legged on the gurney watching as if it was a movie. I just kept thanking God for my health. As I’m being wheeled into surgery, I see Dr. Bratton, “Don’t forget to take a pic of my kidney Doc!” He waves and gives a thumbs up. I’m honestly thinking of this as another adventure. Hours later I wake up in excruciating pain, surrounded by people in the same pain. It was like a war movie. Sounds of crying, screaming, yelling from people I can’t see, but I can feel. Let’s just say I was forever changed. It took me a full year to recover physically and mentally. I started analyzing every part of my being, circumstance, and choices. What do I want to do with the rest of my life, my legacy, my impact on society. I’ve always been a natural storyteller. Have had the gift of reading rooms, situations, and people. Skills I acquired as a child and perfected through experiences as a young adult. On one of my daily chats with my sister I verbalized, “Jacque, I want to tell stories, my stories. The stories nobody talks about. The cockeyed view of something and being inspired to think about it with a new perspective. I want to write, direct, and produce my own work.” My sis responds, “ So do it.”