If I didn't care

”I am just going outside; I may be some time.”

Are the last words of Captain Lawrence “Titus” Oates, said to his three companions on their ill-fated expedition to the South Pole in 1912, he leaves their tent moments later, during a raging blizzard and thereby dying to give the others a better chance of survival. This noble act has become a synonym with real courage and self-sacrifice, and it inspired me to tell a story about just that, self-sacrifice.

The story of “If I didn’t care” came from a story about my dad and his dad, who I never knew. When my grandfather was diagnosed with cancer, my father would go back home every time he had chemotherapy to accompany him. That got me wondering what they might have talked about down the hospital’s hallways. They must have been aware that it might well be their last conversation. What if there were unresolved issues between them? What if their relationship never had been as they wanted it to be? Would they have talked about these things, or let it all be unresolved? Who do you take into consideration? The one who is about to die, or the one who must bear it for the rest of his life?

The production of “If I didn’t care” was littered with challenges, all of which we overcame as a team. The first immediate hurdle was that the film was ambitious and had an almost non-existing budget on a very tight schedule. Nonetheless, we managed to crowd fund over 1000€ in record time. However, our greatest challenge came on the first day of shooting, when one of our main lead actors left the production. This put everything on hold, but by holding on to our faith in the project and the story, we were able to be ready to shoot only two weeks later.

My collaboration with the two leads David (Titus) and Henrik (Sean) was characterized by an incredible investment and understanding for the story and the ambitions behind the film. I was on more than one occasion blown away by David. Especially one day on set, we were filming a funeral scene in a church. There were extras on set and David had to deliver this long emotional speech. I offered him to break the speech up, but he wanted to try to do the whole thing in one go. There were some chatting going on between crew and the extras, but as soon David uttered the first line it all went quiet, and he grabbed everyone’s attention. At the end of the speech, there were wet eyes among the extras.

In my collaboration with Henrik, I tried to add an additional layer to his performance. On our first day of filming with Henrik, I told him a secret that I did not share with David. The film’s premise, i.e. the doctor calling Titus to get him to take his dad to the hospital, is in fact all set up by Sean. Sean has asked his doctor to call his son to give himself one last chance to reconcile with him and give himself a heroic send-off. Henrik liked the idea, and he had it in the back of his mind for the rest of filming.

With the film I wanted to show how fragile life is, and why you should always do the things that make you happy while you can – because suddenly it is all over. And how you should not always have to worry what other people think and feel, but sometimes just give in and do what is best for yourself. At the same time, I wanted to hopefully share the message; it is never too late to reach out and try to reconcile.