Fearless

For many years I used to paint just for myself. Painting gave me a way to sift through my feeling and private hauntings. My sketchbooks were keyholes into my conscience – a kaleidoscope of desires, fears, colors, and unfamiliar faces. But I didn't want my art to only express how I perceive the world; I wanted to explore how the world perceives me.

The more I explored this idea, the more I became aware of my own sense of alienation. My nightmares revealed to me my deepest fears. I was convinced everyone in the world was looking at me as if there were a million versions of myself, splitting and duplicating right in front of them. Which version of me was my true self? I wasn't sure. After some research, I came across an idea I had never heard of before – Imposter Syndrome.

Imposter syndrome describes the psychological pattern that doubts themselves and their abilities. Those with imposter syndrome often question their abilities, feel like frauds to the public world, and are consumed by anxiety, stress, and fear. I knew exactly what they were describing. I had imposter syndrome. This realization crystallized what I had been exploring and working through in my painting. I decided to animate a mixed-media film using paintings and sketches I'd been making over the years. I created a fictional female character to embody my journey from isolation to self-expression. Throughout the film, she strives for perfection; she runs from her emotions; she self-soothes from her anxieties; she suffocates with fear. Only by letting all of these emotions go and becoming one with the present moment does she come back to her natural self. I was inspired by the Hindu philosophy of impermanence and how to release ourselves from the suffering created by attachment. When the protagonist releases control and embraces the uneasy beautiful world around her, she finds true peace and joy.

As I was editing and animating the project, I approached a friend and talented musician, Dee MC, with the film's concept. Dee MC is India’s one of the prominent independent hip-hop artists from Mumbai India. We had previously collaborated on the music video I did for my Unreal Fellowship at Tribeca. After I described the idea of the animation and the protagonists' struggle, she was eager to work with me on rendering the music. Dee MC brings a whole new layer to the film's artistic vision. The strength that comes through her voice and music emphasizes the film's core themes – courageous conviction, boundless self-expression, and deep self-acceptance.

In these uncertain times, I find myself yearning to be brave in a world that seems full of trepidation. So many of us are haunted by the tragedies of the past, we can't live in the present, and we can't help but dread the future. So many of us find ourselves imprisoned by our own thoughts. I made this film as a way to fight back, to embrace the unknown, to cherish the present moment, to be a little bit more fearless. I have lost a lot but have gained so much in the process. I hope it does the same for you.