Complicated Greif

An escape plan for my brain that holds too much weight in my body so it’s as if I am suffocating under water. My body screams for peace but my mind dances over the forgotten feelings of heart stabbing pain that I have oh so carefully packed away, hoping my mind would just forget about it.
A glimpse at my brain as I sat outside on a beautiful sunny morning painting my nails when I was 16. As the birds chirped, my brain started to spin. A whirlwind of thoughts started to cascade in my mind. It felt like my brain was in an arena and my body was being tormented from the inside out and I had no where to run. A severe panic attack from all the emotions and feelings that I had not faced yet since my dad died. It was the start of a continuous battle of severe anxiety, intrusive obsessive thoughts, and depression. It was like a damn was opened up and everything flooded out into the light.

“Complicated grief.” She told me. That’s what you have. I sat in the warn down green corduroy couch tapping my toes to keep my mind at bay. My therapist looked at me as I blankly stared back. “What the hell.” is that I said.

Nothing seemed to fix me. Over the span of these 4 years ~ at least 8 failed medications, 30 consecutive days of transcranial magnetic stimulation, micro-dosing mushrooms, an outpatient program, herbs, cranial sacral, reiki, a hospital visit from a not so fun panic attack thinking I was dying. Days of feeling like I was sprinting through syrup and feeling like a zombie from xanax, gaining 30 pounds from lithium, taking 18 pills a day….none of these worked to “fix”what was apparently wrong.
Nothing but time. Time is and has been my best friend and my worst enemy. Trying not to glide over all those feelings helps too. Tilting my head down and trudging through it full force or well trying to.

Complicated Grief. Grief. Complications. Feelings. Thoughts. Emotions. Overpowering. But getting through. One step forward. 3948 steps back. But somehow I’ve made it to where I am. Sometimes my brain feels like this video. And sometimes it’s at peace~
Music by the incredible
Song: Hearsay

  • Jayden Becker
    A self Portrait film created shot and edited by
  • Project Type:
    Experimental, Short
  • Genres:
    greif, stop motion, heart break, Experimental
  • Runtime:
    1 minute 2 seconds
  • Completion Date:
    March 1, 2019
  • Production Budget:
    0 USD
  • Country of Origin:
    United States
  • Country of Filming:
    United States
  • Language:
  • Shooting Format:
  • Aspect Ratio:
  • Film Color:
  • First-time Filmmaker:
  • Student Project:
Director Statement

Art is like my language. I express and share what and how I think through my artwork. My words are the shapes, lines, and patterns of the images and videos that I create. May my work stir something inside of you, whether that be sadness, anger, happiness, inspiration, joy, love, or all the above.